


Childcare 101

by Animedemon01



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 05:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animedemon01/pseuds/Animedemon01
Summary: What happened after Shadow-San arrived back on VILE island with a baby.





	Childcare 101

**Author's Note:**

> Another request fic from my Tumblr:
> 
> https://caramel-sandiego.tumblr.com/

Nobody would’ve expected Shadow-San to return from Argentina with a baby, and yet he did. Dr. Bellum of all people was the first to notice.

“Is that, is that a tiny human?” She asked him.

“Baby would be the proper term, Dr. Bellum.” He replied. “But yes, I have a tiny human.”

“That can’t be your baby, can it?” Wondered Coach Brunt. “I mean, you were only gone for like two months.”

“Obviously its not his baby.” Said Dr. Bellum. “At two months after conception the thing would be like two inches long.”

“She’s not my child.” Explained Shadow-San. “I found her abandoned by the side of the road and couldn’t exactly leave her there.”

“Am I the only one who’s actually wondering what we’re going to do with that thing?” Asked Countess Cleo. “We have responsibilities, you know, and once classes start up in a few months, we’ll be too busy teaching to care for a baby. Not to mention; I don’t think any of us know the first thing about childcare.”

“I hate to say it, but I agree with Cleo on this one.” Said Dr. Bellum. “You can fly to America and leave it at a fire station, no questions asked. Or just put it back where you found it.”

Shadow-San sighed. “Fine, I’ll deal with that in the morning. Coach Brunt, would you hold the baby for a second while I go and put my bags away?”

Bunt took the baby without complaint.

By the time Shadow-San had returned, Brunt had started to take a liking to the baby. She’d always wanted to have a child, but it never worked out for her; maybe this was her chance.

“Alright, Coach Brunt, I’ll take the baby back now.” He told her.

“No.” She said simply.

“What?”

“No; we’re keeping the baby.” She told him. “When the time comes, we’ll figure out what to do with her during the school year, and until then I’ll take care of her, protect her, and keep Professor Maelstrom from eating her.”

At the last part, Countess Cleo, Professor Maelstrom, and Shadow-San all turned to face Dr. Bellum.

“Well, what are you looking at me for?” She demanded. “Just because I’m the youngest member of the Head Faculty doesn’t mean this is my fault. I’ll have you know that I graduated at- okay, fine, you got me; it was a cruel joke that went to far. I convinced Coach Brunt that Professor Maelstrom was a vampire, but there isn’t sufficient proof that he’s _not_. He’s allergic to garlic and doesn’t go out in the sun; two common traits of a vampire in most folklore.”

Shadow-San sighed. “Moving on, I brought back enough supplies to take care of the baby for about a week, so one of us will have to leave the island and go shopping in a few days. As for watching the baby, we’ll have to take shifts for now. I will watch her for eight hours, then Coach Brunt will watch her for eight hours, then Countess Cleo, Dr. Bellum, and finally Professor Maelstrom. Any questions?”

Countess Cleo, Dr. Bellum, and Professor Maelstrom all raised their hands.

“Yes, you must take your shift, and there’s no getting out of helping with the baby. Any other questions?” Replied Shadow-San.

All three of them lowered their hands with a defeated sigh.

_This shouldn’t be too hard. _Though Shadow-San. _The baby has barely cried at all; she seems like a docile child. _

As if on cue, as soon as he finished his thought the baby started to wail. He picked her up a started to rock her, but it had no effect.

It didn’t make sense for the baby to be crying; he’d fed her and changed her already, and she’d been fine just a few minutes ago. He’d never actually had to care for a baby before, so he had no idea if any of this was normal. He decided to wait a bit and see if she stopped on her own.

After half an hour of nonstop crying, he decided that something must be seriously wrong with the baby and rushed down to the infirmary.

With the academy being closed for the summer, the infirmary was fairly quiet, with the exception of a few operatives being taken care of here and there. While the doctors and nurses were much more experienced with treating illness and injury in adults, Shadow-San figured that a least one of them would be able to take a look at the baby.

After asking about a hundred questions about the origin of the baby, the infirmary staff could find nothing wrong with her. Apparently, babies would just cry for no reason sometimes. In the end, the baby _did _stop crying, but not for a few hours. When his shift was over, Shadow-San was happy to pass the now sleeping baby on to Coach Brunt.

Coach Brunt actually knew a fair amount about baby care. Back when she was a teenager, she used to babysit for extra money, and even after all that time, hadn’t forgotten a thing.

According to Shadow-San, the baby had cried all night, but at this point she was asleep and content. Brunt honestly wanted to mother the child, but she couldn’t really do that when the baby was asleep, and she knew better than to wake a sleeping infant up.

During Brunt’s shift, the baby only woke up once, and after being changed and fed, she went right back to sleep. When Brunt told Shadow-San about how easy of a time she had, he honestly seemed surprised. Coach Brunt was fairly reluctant to pass the baby to Countess Cleo at the end of her shift.

Countess Cleo wanted nothing to do with children of any age. They were ill-mannered, unpredictable, and not to mention messy. Before taking the baby, she made sure to borrow a few things from Dr. Bellum’s lab in order to protect not only herself but the space that the baby would be occupying. She covered the area in a bunch of disposable plastic sheets meant to protect lab benches from spills, and donned a pair of rubber gloves, a face mask, and a lab smock. She wasn’t about to take any risks.

As soon as the baby started crying, Countess Cleo immediately called Shadow-San into the room.

“Its crying.” She told him. “What do I do with it?”

Shadow-San observed the baby. “I think she needs to be changed.”

“Into what?”

He couldn’t tell if she was serious or not. “Cleo, I mean you need to change her diaper. Have you ever even _seen _a baby before?”

“As a rule, I tend to avoid young children, especially infants.” She replied. “They’re messy, and I don’t want to hold a baby and have it urinate, defecate, vomit, sneeze, or bleed on me.”

“First off, if a baby’s bleeding on you, you’re holding it very, very wrong.” Said Shadow-San. “Second, now that we have this baby, you’re going to have to learn how to take care of her. Now, I suggest you change her.”

Countess Cleo stared at him like he’d grown another head. “You expect me to do that? No, that’s disgusting! Why don’t you do it? You’re already here.”

He sighed. “You’re going to have to do this eventually, so why not start now? I’ll even help you.”

It was an ordeal, but in the end, Countess Cleo managed to change the baby.

“So, I guess she’ll be fine for the rest of my shift.” She said.

Shadow-San shook his head. “Not even close; babies need constant care, and you’ll have to feed her, and likely change her again multiple times before it’s over.”

Countess Cleo groaned. “Remind me never to have children.”

Next, was Dr. Bellum. Being the youngest of the head faculty, Shadow-San assumed she would be terrible at caring for the baby. While Dr. Bellum was extremely intelligent and had gotten her doctorate at a surprisingly young age, she wasn’t overly mature. The fact that all through her academic career, her classmates had always been significantly older than her hadn’t helped, either. As it turned out, Shadow-San was completely right.

“So, human babies are a lot like kittens, right?” Dr. Bellum had asked him. “I’ve never cared for an infant before, but a cared for a litter of motherless kittens once, and I assume it can’t be too different.”

Shadow-San sighed. Dr. Bellum was never the most empathetic person when it came to other people, but she’d always been good with cats. If a baby was compared with a kitten to her, perhaps she would take better care of it.

“Sure.” He told her. “Babies are like kittens. Just take care of her like you would a motherless kitten.”

She nodded. “You got it. I’ll call you if I need anything.”

Surprisingly, Dr. Bellum didn’t call Shadow-San in once to help with the baby. He was amazed that she’d done such a good job taking care of the baby, but when he saw her methods, it all made sense.

Dr. Bellum had taking his words to heart, and did, in fact, treat the baby as if she was a kitten. The baby was resting on a heating pad wrapped in a towel inside of a box. Dr. Bellum had even been feeding her with a large, needless syringe instead of a bottle. Despite being cared for like a stray cat, the baby was in perfect condition.

“I think I did a good job with what I had.” Said Dr. Bellum. “Now, about starting her on roundworm medication…”

Shadow-San had left Professor Maelstrom for last for a good reason; Maelstrom was a complete psychopath. He honestly wasn’t sure why he decided to leave the baby with the older man in the first place.

What Shadow-San didn’t know, however, was that at one-point Professor Maelstrom actually did have a wife and two children. For his entire marriage, his wife had always been on his nerves, and after his children were born, his marriage got even worse. When his youngest was eight, he’d decided that he’d had enough. One night, he went out for a pack of smokes, left the country, and never looking back. Despite being a terrible father, and an all around horrible human being, Maelstrom actually did know how to care for a child.

Maelstrom cared for the baby the same way he’d once cared for his own children; despising every moment of it, but still doing it out of a moral obligation to keep an innocent child alive. Maelstrom wasn’t above harming adults-either on purpose or through neglect-but he felt differently about children.

After everyone had watched the child once, Shadow-San called a meeting to discuss how things had gone.

“You all have given the baby at least an acceptable level of care, and I am pleasantly surprised.” He told them. “Well will have to find a nanny for her, but for now, I think this will work out just fine. Now, does anyone have any questions?”

“I do.” Said Coach Brunt. “You never told us; what’s the baby’s name?”

Shadow-San knew he’d forgotten something, which turned out to be naming the baby in the first place.


End file.
